Pray to the Moon when She is round,
Luck with you will then abound,
What you seek for shall be found
On the sea or solid ground.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Trouble with Dreamwork (or, My Broken Magick… & Ego)


This post has been decidedly uncomfortable for me to write & has taken several weeks, but if you have ever wondered what happened to the "Spiritual Warfare" cleanup campaign


Sometimes we get stuck.
Sometimes we get stuck.

Last Autumn I was participating in a series of pathworking meditations which had a profound impact on my ability to effectively use the dream incubation technique in my "Hatred Remediation" project. At the time, however, I did not realize this. When I look back on my posts in October & November of last year, I can see that I was on fire. Or something. 

When I migrated South, I found my dreamwork abilities waning, waning, waning... I thought at that time that this had something to do with the season -- it was winter after all & the mycelia, like many other life forms are at rest, in stasis, sleeping. So I gave myself a little bit of slack & figured I would pick it up again when the weather was more accommodating...

When I found the fungi popping up early Spring, high-desert-style, I thought this heralded a change on the horizon… no.

When I returned to Alaska & found fungi the very first time we hit he trails I thought, "Let the dreamwork begin!" … no.

Utterly broken Coprinus(?)
Utterly broken Coprinus(?)
Somewhere around Summer Solstice I came to terms with my broken magick. Broken, broken, utterly. Intuitively, I reached into my bag of tricks & pulled out the sympathetic magic. I declared to Hubby, "This is how I am going to do it from now on. I can't do the dreamwork anymore. Besides, it's more creative & fun this way, right?" Right?

I went ahead & completed two more of my remediation projects using some original sympathetic techniques. I even received assistance from a few other people. But somewhere in the back of my mind I was mulling over & lamenting the loss of what I shall call my "subscription" to that "channel" that felt lost to me. I liken it to having rabbit ears on a television. You swivel that contraption round & round, antennae akimbo until you finally capture that special signal. Ah! Then you will do everything in your power to keep that position locked into place; duct tape, stacks of books, strategically placed houseplants. But inevitably, the cat decides a new perch is in order & poof! Bye bye special signal, auf wiedersehen sacred programming, ciao my precious channel.

I can't really blame it on the cats this time. The children, maybe.

I still have yet to write about those two workings -- now nearly three months completed -- despite the fact that they really were quite clever. This is probably because I have been feeling deflated. Or not on fire anymore. Just kind of soggy. (Which one might think would be good for a mycophile…) 

I have not bothered to pursue any further mushroomy-workings. 

Instead, I performed a 180 & appealed (much to my ego's chagrin) to the Wiccan High Priest who had been sharing his late High Priestess's meditations with the community. The short story is that I have now attended a group class, some private meetings & a circle thus far. I also have a daily 'anointing ritual' which is specifically intended to liberate my intuition. It is all somewhat humbling & awkward & the decision has surprised more than a few people who know me. It is also remarkably comfortable. Like putting on an old pair of jeans. I know that system -- I have lived it. Even if I cannot abide by the label any longer, Wicca is as familiar as my native tongue. It only makes sense to return to it, even feral & changed as I am, to recalibrate my antenna, to remember how to listen.

Miniature poppy in the greenhouse.
Miniature poppy in the greenhouse.
I also decided to appeal to Morpheus. I generally keep my relationship with deity very private -- I believe such relationships should not be discussed casually, publicly, idly. My reason for mentioning this here is because the results have been important to my dreamwork recovery. I had to initiate this connection from scratch because there is no information regarding how Morpheus was formally worshipped (though of course the assumption is that he was because of the presence of dream temples). So, I determined that I would just begin with visions of Him -- the way I would incubate a dream, at night just before falling asleep, entreating his help, offering to return His favour with favour, etc... 

Poppies on the porch.
Poppies on the porch.
I have some things I must do now involving shrines & poppy gardening & while my rational self balks, I cannot deny that I have begun to remember my dreams again.

So I continue to lick my wounded self-image & nurture the flame that resides within. I don't like asking for help, but sometimes, it becomes an imperative. We'll fix it together. The whole motley lot of us; my gaggle of fungi, a very generous High Priest, beloved Morpheus & me. Now that's the stuff of dreams. Or something.

  
Getting un-stuck: Collecting poppy pods throughout Alaska.
Getting un-stuck: Gathering poppy pods throughout Alaska.


8 comments:

Heather Awen said...

Maybe sometimes are for being awake and others for being asleep. Maybe you got so good at one way your playful intuition got bored. I too have gotten to where it feels just right and then bammo! It's gone and I feel disoriented and naked.

Then some path I resisted because of some internal ick shows up. I hate buddhashits but do much Buddhist taught meditation. Being in western pop culture I don't like really anything by the time it gets published unless it is a field guide or DIY how to book. Yet I have gleaned what I need from many sources I'd be ashamed to be associated with. However my interpretation is different than the teacher's normally. It goes in my inner cauldron filled with so many ingredients the new teachings cook into something new.


I notice most psychics are artists too. Artists get blocks and take a course.

Beginner mind. Fun. Play. As z Budapest calls it sloth woman or feri trade sticky self. If the creative part of me is bored nothing works.

I will say sheer terror and despair also provide ummph. In this raganok of MCS I see any strong emotion kicks it into gear. Is what is necessary.

It's like we outgrow our magick.

Heather Awen said...

Also thanks for being brave and sharing your humanness. It inspired me to get out of my comfort zone and learn by playing like kids. Also i love reading questions. They move me to a new pov.

Moma Fauna said...

It is funny you mentioned this time for being awake & asleep. Sometime in the last week or so, the aforementioned HPriest called me with urgency in my voice & said he had this dream. There were several messages for me that he needed to convey, but in the course of telling me this & that, he said, "it's time for you to wake up, you need to start working consciously." Funny tho, I thought I *was* working consciously, well, partly b/c you know, there is all that prep-work. But I believe what he really meant was that I need to shift gears, like you said, "It's like we outgrow our magick."

*sniff* I like the dreamwork.

Moma Fauna said...

Ah, well you know, if & when people actually start reading this I might have to reconsider all this candid talk, ha! ;)

Scribbledabble said...

Hi Moma, the prayers against the "pagan" community may not have had the power of an Abrahamic god behind them but they were a pwerful direction of ill will. So it seems to me that there would be some spiritual casualties along the way. A hateful missile got through, hit you and maybe drained your energy. You fell down but you're not out. Be kind to yourself. I see no failure here, just natural change. Maybe your fall dragged on the web of wyrd and pulled on some strands, one attached to your wiccan friend. I wonder if he felt a pull towards you? Sounds like you need some allies right now. Fighting alone seems heroic but none of us is Rambo. I think you will recharge. Samhain may be a good time to regroup, learn hard lessons and rest so that you come back even stronger. My thoughts are with you and hope I can send some positive power via our mycological friends! blessings from England, Scribb

Scribbledabble said...

Also wanted to say that all the magical stuff aside: with mind, body and spirit being inter-dependent I guess if mind and body are busy then energy can be diverted away from spirit. You moved home, are a wife, mother, endlessly curious, clearly take an intellectual interest in just about everything going on around you, create, maintain this blog, and you took time out to stand against a tide of negative energy - takes a lot of energy and somethings got to give, again - be kind to yourself, rest, let someone else do all the organising for a bit, you deserve it.
Scribb

Moma Fauna said...

Scribb,

Ah, so nice to hear from you! I know you didn't know it, but this was the perfect message to wake to on my birthday. I have more thoughts on the comment above, but internet is down again and composing on the phone has its limits. Thank you for the wise words and kind thoughts from across the many miles... has made my day already. :)

Moma Fauna said...

I tried so hard to play it carefully. When I look at my thought process in the very first post, I was so conscientious about formulating something that wouldn't allow such a "direct hit." Ah, well, the best laid plans...

"Maybe your fall dragged on the web of wyrd and pulled on some strands, one attached to your wiccan friend. I wonder if he felt a pull towards you? " This is the strange thing. Yes I believe so. As were were departing from the two-day Sumer Solstice festival, he was the last person with whom I spoke. We said goodbyes & see-you-laters & then he looked at me & said, "We have important work to do." Nothing more. This, I could not get out of my head. It's odd too, because he is *not* one of the community members up here with which I have been particularly close, or socially involved. That made me wonder even more...

DO please send me some of your support thru the myco-web. I thank you many times over. :) Are they still stirring in your part of this Earth? Give them my love, yourself too. :)

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