“The key to truly relishing a moment is not to concern one’s Ego with how you may appear to the casual observer…”
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| Skeptical Faerie, or something. |
Especially if you are dressed like a Sugar Plum Fairy.
One of my cherished like-mindeds had reminded me that I said that once. Today I would like to add a clarification.
And don't wait until a new, more comfortable or convenient moment arrives. Do it now.
Dance seems to be my Great Teacher in this.
Dance. Don't Think. Especially about other folks -- human or otherwise -- who may be watching (or not, because it IS a bit narcissistic to assume folks are watching you all the time).
"A chaotic mind in a body that has been forced into some extreme arrangement is pointless. So though I know I'm never going to be very physically adept at shaping my body into beautiful and graceful asana, I enjoy the mind-body work and seeing its benefits manifesting elsewhere in my life." --AB
When we are preoccupied with trying to be something impressive to the external eye, we are chaotic. When we are busy berating ourselves for our imperfections, obsessing over shortcomings that others may or may not perceive or doubting our likability we are chaotic. When we are fraught with shyness & self-conscious thoughts, we are chaotic.
There is no doorway to ecstasy, no tapping the spirit world, no Tarab to be found in this ego-driven, self-limiting chaos of the mind. This is not the road to "seeing (your practice's) benefits manifesting elsewhere in (your) life." The key to growth, to freedom lies elsewhere.
I am a chaos-rider. I admit it. But I must emphasize: choose your chaos wisely & make sure you're the rider, not the horse.
The maenads were expert chaos riders. Do you think that in their ecstasis, even for a single moment, they considered what other folks thought about how they looked?
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| Dance, my teacher. Maenad as well, perhaps. A moment of Tarab courtesy Joana Saahirah Facebook page. |
4 comments:
> "Today I would like to add a clarification. And don't wait until a new, more comfortable or convenient moment arrives. Do it now."
A very important clarification, especially as hesitation easily becomes habit.
On the earlier discussion of yoga I should have added that, while "A chaotic mind in a body that has been forced into some extreme arrangement is pointless," we must still aim at perfection of posture, throwing away self-consciousness and end-gaining, for the mind to attain unity and focus.
"I am a chaos-rider. I admit it."
I'm not sure I have been until recently. I've a natural inclination to the Dharmic arts, even before I heard of them, so its more reflexive for me to let the chaos flow through me or around me. However ... even the river stones get smooth and polished by tumbling. The last few years I've been embracing that more and more. A couple of weeks ago I declined to renew my current work contract so as to spend some time exploring possibilities ... so in my own gentle way I'm letting go into the eddies of the stream.
Setting aside the above for a different perspective - to some extent I wonder if chaos-riding or sitting/spinning peacefully in the eye of chaos is just a matter of whether one's focus is directed inward toward the pivot or outwardly to the turning rim?
> "The maenads were expert chaos riders."
I'm intrigued by this. I'm not especially well versed in the history and lore of the maenadic phenomenon but do you think then that it had its own 'arte' in the same sense as yoga or dance?
Though 'letting go' is its own art, of course, I kind of see the maenadic 'letting go' as the result of more of a communal initiation. My own pivotal 'letting go', thus far, came communally as a giving up to a process which was held in the hands of others / a community. It was a very different experience to those that I've experienced in yoga / meditation ... quicker, far more intense, transformative and thoroughgoing, but less sustainable --- maybe like a baby bird being pushed out of the nest; tasting moving through air-space-sky but not 'flying' per se. I suspect we need both 'artes' one to get the intensity of 'taste' and one to learn how to integrate it into everyday life.
Which reminds me of an earlier post where you tellingly used the word 'dance':
"rather, come to me when you have surrendered to your decision -- when you have decided you are in it to win it, not when you are still doing the hokey pokey. I always disliked that dance."
I sympathized with both you and them reading that, having been both convener and participant. For me the key to breaking out of the 'hokey pokey' is usually to set things up, while I'm in the 'I'm all in phase', such that the barriers to backing out are greater than the barriers to jumping in e.g. tell a bunch of people you are doing it so you will lose face if you don't, invest - buy your plane ticket, etc. It seems that while inclusivity is important we can easily let that remove obstacles that are actually key to getting oneself ready for what is at the end of the day a transformative journey.
Good morning, or afternoon for you~
So much to gnaw upon, so satisfying. As always.
"...especially as hesitation easily becomes habit..." It is procrastination in my camp. Both equally limiting, but their origins seem to be at least somewhat different.
“On the earlier discussion of yoga I should have added… we must still aim at perfection of posture, throwing away self-consciousness and end-gaining, for the mind to attain unity and focus.” I had taken that as implied, as a given, coming from you. I would expect nothing else. But the way you described the futility of sculpting the form without a concurrence of thought was perfect for illustrating my point. So I poached your words. Besides, as I have mentioned (probably repeatedly) we seem to be on parallel roads, working the same magicks, weathering the winds, asking questions in our own little unconscious chorus. The usual wyrd weirdness.
"I am a chaos-rider. I admit it."
This is so complicated, that I left it at simple. To clarify, security is essential to me & I am very danger averse. Most of my life I have also been quite risk-averse. However, risk-taking seems to be my current project. Thus, the chaos I can embrace cannot be too dangerous or threatening to my security, but *can* involve a certain amount of risk. While your occupational free fall gives me the shivers, surrounding myself with crazy people who have unpredictable behavior but beautiful ideas or throwing caution to the wind in order to experience a sublime moment are within my parameters.
And then there is the chaos deep within (or is it really without?), which in my experience, might be the belly of creativity. It is the primordial chaos, the generative force. This is part of what I was implying also, the background to my inference being this:
When I first began studying with Joanna, she made me dance for her frequently (an experience I found horrifying). Her observations resulted in this statement:
“Chaos is not freedom. I know you think it is, but it isn’t.”
She was seeing my easy abandonment to the creative spark, my ability to just lose myself in an experience (in this case, the music), but her criticism was that there was zero control on my part. Just “letting go & seeing what happens” as she described it wasn’t where we would be going.
I resented this, but she was right, I didn’t really understand the concept. It really annoyed me, this idea that I wasn’t “free” when I sure felt free. Crazy free. I worried she would take my “free-spirited” approach away. The aim I believe, for her as teacher/guide was to lead me (often by tricking me) to the freedom comes from entering the chaos with complete control of your *self.* It is in this way that the ride begins, expression is channeled & art happens.
Recently, during a reflection period in class, I told her that I had always thought being “a leaf on the wind” was the Way, but that I was seeing now how that is limiting as an artistic & spiritual approach (for me anyway). I can see now that when I drift about in the chaos, surrendering to it, nothing is mine. I am at the mercy of the Universe, or something. While this is desirable sometimes, as in journeying/trancework type activities when one is acting as a passive, receptive vessel, it isn’t so useful in a creative context.
Now, to complicate things further, there is this concept of TARAB, or what we Westerners would call “ecstasis” which was my driving force for pursuing dance. Like most spiritual mysteries, this path of self-control is leading to a surrender. But approaching the surrender from a place of self-control, rather than a full bore, chaotic belly-flop has merits which at this point I can only trust exist because I am still working out the control part. >.<
“Setting aside the above for a different perspective - to some extent I wonder if chaos-riding or sitting/spinning peacefully in the eye of chaos is just a matter of whether one's focus is directed inward toward the pivot or outwardly to the turning rim?” Within or without, is there a distinction? I really don’t know. I often feel like I am going inward to reach outward, that somewhere inward is the access point to the out, if that makes any sense at all.
And I acknowledge that there *is* environmental chaos, literally on the outside, as in a group setting. But my groups are generally (surprisingly/disappointingly) terribly uptight in many regards, unless they are drunken. Not that I don’t try to get them out of their egos, but there is only so much one or two of us can do.
"The maenads were expert chaos riders." I have no academic backing for this statement, it’s all intuition. I associate them with ecstasis, or Tarab, so I would say that yes, we are looking at the “intense, transformative and thoroughgoing, but less sustainable” arte. I will take your questions as an inspiration to learn more deeply about their practice, as arte, however.
As to your distinctions for the artes — one being akin to torrefaction, while the other being a slow unfolding of petals, or shedding of skins — this is a useful categorization for me. I think about transformative experiences I have had, generally of the intense, short-lived kind — some being ecstatic, others being more apocalyptic — & can put my finger on them. But the transformation that comes through consistent (sometimes dogged) practice over a very long time is much harder to pinpoint. I believe this is part of the reason Joanna (to my initial horror) said I should be videotaping myself. Among many functions, over time, it serves to provide a measuring stick for the more subtly transformative arte.
“…For me the key to breaking out of the 'hokey pokey' is usually to set things up, while I'm in the 'I'm all in phase', such that the barriers to backing out are greater than the barriers to jumping in e.g. tell a bunch of people you are doing it so you will lose face if you don't, invest - buy your plane ticket, etc. It seems that while inclusivity is important we can easily let that remove obstacles that are actually key to getting oneself ready for what is at the end of the day a transformative journey.”
This reminds me of a lesson from my not-so-crazy, not-exactly-cult experience a long while ago. I have mentioned it from time to time, but I don’t think I have ever written about their view on commitment. Like the self-control in chaos concept, this also seems a bit contradictory, but *in practice* it absolutely proves true. “There is freedom in commitment,” was the adage & though many, many of my co-members balked at the concept, a few of us who bothered to actually employ it, “got it.”
Sitting on the fence, thinking you are keeping all your options open, is just that, sitting on the fence. The fence is uncomfortable. It goes right up your ass, to be perfectly blunt. It is also a blatant abdication of responsibility. When you get off the fence, doors open, you take the reins & move forward/sideward/upward/downward, wherever it is that you wish to go. The people I know who are most enslaved by their own lives are the ones who live on the fence.They never *do* anything but hem & haw over decisions, make excuses, live defensively. It drives me absolutely nuts. And I know I fall victim to it from time to time myself, we all do. But to make it a lifestyle is truly self-sabotaging.
Goodness I am long-winded! To the bookstore I must go. Best to you & yours my friend.
"Goodness I am long-winded!"
Not at all. Every song as long or short as it needs to be ... I really appreciate your wholehearted engagement with my reflections.
I think I'm going to take this over to email so as to reply as transparently as possible. Reply winging its way to you tomorrow or very soon.
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