On Grief & the Human Condition (My, How Much it Looks Like Animism)

"Never Abandon" by Sakina666 of deviantART.*

It has been a week now. I don't think I cried for you today. 
Time & balm. Time & balm...

One of my simple home remedies for the broken-hearted has involved slipping into John Siddique's world. His voice is a gentle, honest balm. His words are better than natural, they are naked. 

And in reading all over his pages, I remember & I forget. I forget & remember. But mostly, I cherish.

John's notebook "On Reflection" had an entry that made me think for a few days. I knew that somehow it was personally relevant, but it took me awhile to rub it in & understand why:

"On The Function of The Human Being

Human beings seem to have two basic functions in this universe of ours: having relationships, and telling stories. I can’t think of much else that we are made for. Oh I know we make war, and chase money, power, and make mistakes - but even those come down to relationships and stories at heart." -- John Siddique

..."having relationships & telling stories..."Why is this so familiar?

Ah, because it sounds just like grief.

❤ ❤ ❤

Only an hour after we stroked his soft fur for the last time, I am standing like a zombi in the snowy parking lot of a box store. There is a raven on a lamppost squawking as though the sky will soon be falling. I am vaguely aware, but I cannot move or care. The bird abruptly dives at my head, startling me from a rheumy haze. In the closeness, I get the distinct feeling that this raven is actually the cat, or his messenger, or might somehow be carrying his spirit. Plaintively I ask, "Is that you?" The bird swoops away to the East, leaving me puzzled & longing. My relationship to ravens has permanently changed.

I text my sister & I tell her the news. I tell her I love her & it seems an imperative. I do not tell her this enough. She responds by remembering him fondly. She tells me she loves me. Later, she tells me again. We are being in relationship.

"Depend" by Sakina666 of deviantART.*

All day long, Hubby & I crumple into one another's arms. We hold the Lad up. We hold each other up. We talk things thru, over & over. We say, "What if...? & "Remember when...? & "I can't do this..." We tell stories. We love, protect & support one another. We are being in relationship.

That evening, my mother calls. I tell her how things happened & how I am feeling. She listens & asks questions. We remember past events with fondness, kindness & Love. We are telling stories. We are in relationship. I love her. So, so much.

The following evening, Hubby & the High Priest return from the grocery store. The High Priest has purchased me a very special bottle of wine. The bottle is a symbol. It tells a story about very special relationship which was born out of storytelling. The High Priest is honouring a special relationship by honouring other special relationships. 

Some friends extend their condolences & offer support. Others, perhaps more private like myself, opt to give me a wide berth. Still, every one of us is being in relationship. 

I spend several days longing to hear the voice of someone with whom I have never spoken. I do not have a telephone number. But like magick, my silent plea is answered. The voice materializes in the form of a voicemail which is followed by a frenetic return call & "like E.T." we have contact. Disorganized thoughts & disjointed stories are babbled. Like frantic songbirds, we are being in relationship.

My best friend sends an apologetic text in the middle of the night. She tells me, "I love you too. Forever." She & I have traveled long & hard & far together. There is no need to apologize -- she is in my bones. We spend very, very little time in communication, yet we are always in relationship. 

The Changeling has taken to calling the cat from his toy telephone. The afternoon the phone was retrieved from its extended stay behind the stairwell, he promptly called the cat. He has called no one else since. He chats away, babbling & jabbering. He is telling stories. He is being in relationship. I sure wish I had that number.

I revisit John Siddique. I know nothing of him but his words. I know that he is brave enough to feel out loud & this attracts me. It helps me heal. I read & listen to his stories, attentively wandering about in his poetic world. He is writer. I am reader. He is teacher. I am student. We are strangers, yet this too, is relationship. 

I am thankful for each & every story.
I am thankful for each & every one of you.

"Lotus Lake" by hybridre of deviantART.*

* What's with the cosplay? Well, a few things. First, I see the world of cosplay as entirely about storytelling & relationships. In fact, I would argue that cosplay is all about exploring & living out relationships within the context of storytelling. Second, these particular images are a tribute to the manga/anime series Saiyuki (more specifically, pictured here is Saiyuki Gaiden in which the main characters are gods). I adore the Saiyuki tales almost entirely because of the characters & their relationships. Finally, these two particular characters (Genjyo Sanzo/Konzen & Goku) travel very, very long & far together. I think their love is apparent in the images. It makes me happy -- more story, more relationship, more balm.